Posts Tagged ‘Lulz’

Technology as explained by my mother

Friday, July 2nd, 2010

Someday I’d like to rent out a hall or theater and charge $5 a head for my mom to answer the audience’s technical questions. The audience would require a certain amount of savvy to realize that her answers are hilarious, not informative.

I’ll probably never get around to renting that space, so in the mean time, I’ll be posting them here, in a series I call “Technology As Explained By My Mother “. The first installment has already been posted. I’ve got a few such episodes drafted, I can be reasonably certain this will be at least a three-part series. I hope you enjoy them as much as I do.

Technology as explained by my mother: Links

Tuesday, June 29th, 2010

I was fielding technology questions from a family friend who had a hilarious misunderstanding about what a link was (he expressed a concern that too many people would link to his web page and cause a short circuit). I went to tell my mom so we could both laugh about it, but first I quizzed her to make sure she knew what a link was.

I asked something along the lines of “If I told you Google links to CNN, would you know what that meant?”

A google is a thing that appears there and you click it and it does something, whether you want it to or not.

She stopped to tell me to stop making that face. I didn’t catch what she said when she continued because I was trying to keep a straight face.

In memory of my dad

Thursday, May 20th, 2010

Today is the 15th anniversary of my dad’s death. One of the first things that comes up when I talk about him is the addiction that killed him, but I try to remember him as a whole person, not just an alcoholic.

I only remember him ever giving me two pieces of advice:

  1. Always have a firm handshake
  2. Always keep a good sense of humor

They’re both good pieces of advice, but the second one is something I really try to live by. I aspire to never take myself so seriously that I can’t laugh about something juvenile. I remember him as having a consummate love for fart jokes. In kindergarten I got both of us in trouble when I re-told one to my teacher.

Another time we got in trouble with my mom for jumping in my crib. We thought it was hilarious even after it broke. My mom was understandably less amused. The part that really stayed with me is laughing riotously with my dad even after we got in trouble. It’s that sense of mischief and joy that I really want to remember about him.

When I was your age, we wrote everything longhand

Wednesday, May 5th, 2010

I recently went to a classroom to watch a bunch of first and second graders interact with the software I work on. I’d only been working there a couple weeks, so my contributions were really very minimal, but that’s beside the point.

I hadn’t been in a second grade school since was about that age some two decades ago. In those days, most of the class artwork on the walls consisted of handmade crafts and stories demonstrating our best handwriting. While this classroom featured the requisite construction paper crafts, all the students’ writing was typed.

The kids had handwritten sentences the day before, and their assignment was to type it out and illustrate it on the software we’d built. Our job was to take note of anything that really seemed to work or not work. I had my spiral-bound notebook folded over so that the page full of hand-written notes were visible to anyone who might be looking up from the floor. Since I was in a room full of short people, I suppose it was inevitable that someone would take notice.

“I don’t see many people write like that,” the observant party announced.
“Wow! That’s a lot of writing! Did you write all that?” his friend inquired.
“I did. When I was your age,” I was pretty tickled to be able to say that to someone in a non-facetious manner, “we didn’t have computers, and everybody wrote like this.”
The friend’s jaw hit the floor. The observant party was nonplussed. “My mom already told me that.”

Hopefully that kid never hears about typewriters or it’ll take some of the shine off that story.

I hope, before I die, somebody says something as flattering about me

Thursday, March 11th, 2010

A blog I read for lulz has not disappointed with its recent description of Planned Parenthood as

“…that bastion of abortion, libertine sex (for the young and old) and the undermining of parents and purity.”

Find the location nearest you

Show horses parrots

Monday, October 12th, 2009

Yesterday as I drove home from San Jose, I saw a horse trailer with the following phrase on the back:

Caution:
Show horses
Parrots

I’m not sure what it was trying to tell me, but I came up with three possible interpretations:

  • Put parrots in horses’ field of vision
  • This trailer contains show horses and show parrots
  • This trailer contains show horses and regular parrots

I’m going for the first interpretation, which was supported by the presence of a decal with parrots on the left and a horse’s head on the right, looking in the direction of the parrots.

Alleged photoshop disaster actually a great idea

Friday, October 9th, 2009

This is actually a great serving suggestion.
I disagree with Photoshop Disaster, I declare this serving suggestion a serving mandate.

Another reason to avoid marriage

Tuesday, September 29th, 2009

According to favorite source of lulz:

ā€œ…the longer you live by yourself, the more individualistic you come. And the enemy of marriage is individualism.ā€

Another good reason that marriage is an enemy of mine. I support marriage equality: ban heterosexual marriage!

Adventures from the Annual Exam

Monday, September 28th, 2009

I like my doctor’s office, everyone there is very nice, but they strike me as a little strange. Today had many fine examples.

Early on in the appointment the nurse asked me, “Do you want to give a urine sample?” I replied, “Uh, sure?” (I played it cool, but really, who doesn’t want to give a urine sample?) and she gave me very detailed instructions on how to “piddle”. Although her instructions didn’t include dropping or pulling up my pants, I did out of force of habit. I hope it’s alright to ad lib like that.

After I’d piddled, I returned to the exam room. The doctor came in shortly and asked me if I was planning on having blood drawn. I stammered for a minute and told him that if he thought it was necessary, I certainly could. He seemed genuinely confused by my confusion. He talked about it like he expected me to want blood drawn for my own piece of mind.

At the end of the appointment, the nurse returned with some bad news, “I’m afraid the doctor didn’t need your urine sample, so…” I was quite sure she was going to ask me if I wanted to take it home, but she surprised me, “…I guess I’ll flush it down the toilet?” Perhaps the inquiring inflection was an invitation for me to request a take-out bag. I told her I thought flushing it sounded good.

My mom works for a trauma surgeon, and I pictured him asking similar questions while fixing somebody’s hand or skull after a terrible accident, “Do you think your broken bone warrants a metal plate?”, “Would you like stitches?”