Ask Schwarzey!

I have a sneaky suspicion that my math teacher is a crazy perverted middle-aged pedophile that might make a pass at one of my friends, or even me! Schwarzey what should I do!?

Dear Jillian,
Well from my experience there are a good deal of math teachers who aren't exactly like the rest of us...But you must put on a brave face....go forward each day as if it was your last...Keep smiling through all the creepiness and remember NO means NO. Thaank you

Do you have genital warts?
Confused in California

Dear Confused in California,
Although it might not appear to be right now, this disease of yours can be very harmful in the future. First of all you should see a doctor and then talk with an adult you can trust such as a priest, rabbi, gym teacher, school counselor, or even your parents. You CAN get through this "Confused..." as long as you have the support of the people around you and stop being a little hooch

Who's what's so big?
-Who Leo

Dear Who Leo,
Allow me to share with you a antedote someone very special (KJ) shared with me recently:

The other day I was somewhere, and there was this billboard promoting California cheese, and it said "What has the biggest fan club in Hollywood." No question mark or anything.

Where am I?
-Karl Balch

Dear Karl Balch,
No one really can say where we are or how we even got here.... but there was a story i used to enjoy as a child that may help all of us come closer to such an important answer:

A flea and a fly flew about in a flue.
Said the fly to the flea,
"What on Earth shall we do?"
"Shall we fly?" Asked the flea.
"No, let's flee," said the fly.
So they fluttered and flew through a flaw in the flue

Oh those crazy bugs,,, when will they ever learn?!?! ohahoha

my dearest schwartzey.
i love you.
you are so beautiful. like a tomato. and if you didn't know, tomatoes are very very beautiful. my love for you is deep, like the deep end at the community pool. and if you didn't know, that is very deep. i love your hair. it reminds me of blonde people. and i like blonde people. i don't really know what color your eyes are, but they are a nice color. you have nice colored eyes. anyway, i wanted to tell you all this and ask you if you would marry me. i love you schwartzey. i love you like a beautiful tomato with blonde hair and eyes that are a certain color that i don't know. marry me. now. love,

Dearest bob. ,
As we all know Tomatos and Pools are the way to a girl's heart. So of course you have won mine. Congratulations, i am so excited. Whenever I think of you, I am reminded of Crybaby seen in the hit movie "Crybaby" starring Johnny Depp. Your singing abilities are so similar to his as are your ears oo sigh i get shivers just thinking about it. Words can not describe the joy that fills me. i must stop writing now before i get any more emotional than i already am........................

Should I kill Schwartzey?

Dear Stephen,
Yea if you want your ass kicked.... KJ hold me back Hold me backkk!!!

dear schwartzey,
my foot itches. what do i do?

Dear jessie,
Well this has probably been the toughest question i have gotten so far. After much thought the only thing i was able to think of when your foot itches is to ask it to stop.... It probably won't work....If anyone has other ideas PLEASE share them with jessie and schwarzey thank you for your love.

What isd the meaning of life? I love you!!!! Marry me?!
-Michele Killman

Dear Michele Killman,
Or should I say DEAR MICHAEL BURKHART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sick little boy!!!!!!!!!!!!! Stop Stalking me and my friends we don't deserve this... THE END


Dear CAT,
"THAT" is a mole....or should i say 6.02 x 10 to the 23 power. Don't worry though i wouldn't expect you to know that

I have a BIG problem...
You see, sometimes, when I'm real scared, I go wee wee in my pants. I don't do it all the time, just sometimes. But a lot of things scare me. Land mothers... and toilet paper... and goldfish crackers... like pancakes... and pigeons... and cheesecake... and movies with hugh grant... and cripples... and mullets... and the mario brothers... and KJ... and people who make out at rocky and bullwinkle... oooo, those ones really scare me. I saw people making out at rocky and bullwinkle, and i was so scared i peed all over myself and the person next to me. they just kept sucking each others faces and saying, "ooo baby steven" and i couldn't stop the wee wee. but please don't tell. that really scares me. but there are lots of things that are scary, and i can't stop that. but i need to know how to stop myself from going wee wee, schwarzey. MAKE THE WEE WEE STOP!!!
-a frightened little buddy

Dear a frightened little buddy,
It's ok this happens to's nothing to be ashamed about...everyone gets scared by Hugh Grant at some point in their lives. I'm getting a bit suspicious about this "ROCKY AND BULLWINKLE" ...I thinki would be scared too if I saw the people I think you saw there Noone should ever have to see something like that...Oh yes as for your CURE to make the wee wee stop......I say you sing the GOLDFISH CRACKERS song...I'msure you know it..Enough people sing it all the time..DAMN THEM..........ALso it's just wrong to be scared of GOLDFISH CRACKERS, they are so tasty and make you complete in life....GOODBYE

help me.
how do you tell people to stop making out at rocky and bullwinkle? they kept saying, "oooo baby leah, kiss me leah" and i didn't know what to do. MAKE THEM STOP!!! WHO MAKES OUT AT ROCKY AND BULLWINKLE ANYWAY??????? MAKE THEM STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-a more and morer frightened little buddy

Dear a more and morer frightened little buddy,
OH NOOOOOO MY SUSPICIONS WERE RIGHT!!! i;m so sorry you had to witness something like must keep you up at night.... Bless your poor little soul...I hope one day you can make a complete recovery. As for "steven" and "leah" are you happy now??See what you did to this poor person....I ..I.. I don't even feel sorry for you guys anymore...not now anyways....May you always find solace in Terrifying

how often is this updated?
-Mike B

As soon a Schwarzey gets off her lazy ass

Dear Schwarzey,
I fear that some one is stalking me. They follow me wherever I go... to the grocery store.... around work... the movies. They even hide in my closet at night and I am so afraid they are going to jump out and go RRAAAAAAAAAAAARR!!!!!!!! What if they try to RAPE me?!?!?!?! Save me, Schwarzey... SAAAAAAAAAVVE MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!
-Frodo the Paranoid Gnome

Dear Frodo, the Paranoid Gnome,
Don't worry, there's probably no one after you. But just in case there is, you may want to tell him not to.

Daer Schwarzey
have you ever felt sometimes like you wanna die, and even sometimes, that if you did, nobody would care?
I look up into the sky sometimes and say to myself "man, what a perfect day to just die"
what'n more is left for me, why do I not see anything in my future?
what'n do you say, how 'bout you kill me now,
or we'll go off and play with the fishes,
Or 7 can dance with the turtles, or he can light my Fire (Doors) or he can sing me a Love Song(The Cure) Haha, or just dance with me

Dear 7,
In all seriousness, I have no idea how to reply to this. Most Dear Schwarzey inquaries are filled with levity, and (obviously) this isn't. It's difficult to speak seriously because I have done so jokingly in so may previous posts, that if I tried I think it would still come off sounding like a joke. Having said that, I'm going to try to answer honestly anyway.

The truth is that everyone has had their low points. No one can (honestly) say they've never welcomed death. And whether you believe it or not, there are people that would care if you died. I, for one, would be very upset by it. Furthermore, I care about you as a living person. There are very few people I respect as much as I respect you. And while that may not matter to you, it's the truth.

My mouse won't work properly.
And I want to watch that movie called The Wizard starring Fred Savage. Do you remember that movie?

Dear G2K,
I'm afraid I don't. But if you want to watch it, you should rent it. Better yet, you should break into the house of someone who owns it and steal it.
Have you ever contemplated changing your name to G2K+1?

Last night I was dreaming about ponies and butterflies, and it was so beautiful. I like ponies especially. But then, in the middle of the field, i saw the maker-outers again! They were slobbering and kissing and being so gross and I was so terribly frightened, Schwarzey, so terribly frightened. But they just wouldn't stop. I hate to think of all the other children who saw them making out. I can only pray that they are not as tortured as I have become. It is so horribly cruel to make out at a children's movie!!!! As you probably know, I couldn't stop the wee wee. I ruined my mattress, in fact. Now I have to sleep on our floor, and it's concrete! My wife and I are so very poor, we can't afford a new mattress! And what's worse, my wife is dying! She has a constant cough that is very similar to the mother in "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory"! O, what do I do??? Those children have surely killed her!!!!!! Is this what my father fought so bravely in the war for? My father DIED so that future generations would know what it is like to be born free. But the ungrateful brats have simply taken this and abused it by disrespecting all people around them. How can they think for one second that any man, woman, or child would want to see them make out anyway??? THEY ARE A DISGRACE TO OUR NATION!!!! I can't go on like this, Schwarzey! How do I get their image out of my head? And how can I cope with living in a world where wicked children with a complete disregard for anyone else make out at my favorite movie, "Rocky and Bullwinkle"? It brings tears to my eyes (and wee wee to my mattress)!!! -mr bob bob bob bob, AKA: a frightened little buddy

Dear a more and morer frightened little buddy,
You should have sex for money. Then your nightmares will go away

Dear Schwarzey,
I have a web page which I like very much, and there's this cool advice column, which I have grown rather fond of. However there's a "scared little buddy", who I'm afraid may be turning the advice column into a similar situation as we had with the bullitin board. How can I communicate to him that if it gets out of hand I'm gonna have to have to kill the advice column, without coming off as an asshole?
-A concerned webmaster

Dear a,
While that tactic worked, apparently it was not the right way to go about it

So i have a problem...htere is this girrl in my chemistry class and shee lookes just like you...I find her very attractive and i can't stop thinking about her. How can i get her to notice me?
-Michael Burkhart

Dear Michael,
You could take bob's approach an use pools and tomatoes, but since that's already been done, I, in all my Schwarziness, advise against it. A better way to get her attention would be to do something nice for her in chemistry class, such as, in the middle of class, stand up on your desk, take off all your clothes, and tell her how you feel about her, screaming at the top of your lungs. Her heart will be yours in no time!

Who are you?
Who am I?
Who Are we?
Who Are they?
Who do you love?
Do you love Who?
Who Loves you.
-Who Leo

Dear Who Leo,
Who Leo
Schwarzey and Who Leo
The Father, The Son and The Holy Ghost
Not The Father, The Son, and The Holy Ghost

What do you do when you are stuck far, far away from home; held captive by pot smoking,alcoholic, meat eating, bible preaching relatives?

Dear kidnapped,
Stand up on your desk, take off all your clothes, and tell them how you feel about them, screaming at the top of your lungs.

schwarzey, i have a fear, i do't know where it comes from... this fear scares me alot, espically when i want to climb a tree. its a fear of THEY. the thnig is... i just don't know who They are, but i do know that They will get mad at you, people always say it. " don't do that, THEY'll get mad at you" As a small child i would brush it aside and figure, " the adults know what they are talking about , the adults must know who this THEY of which their speech speaks of are. but then as i grew older, my suspicions of TEHY grew. so when an adult said " don't do that, they'll get mad at you" i would reply by asking. "who?" and much to my surprise, instead of stating whom this mysterious THEY was, the adults would just stagger for an excuse but just say, " nevermind, just get down" or " just don't do that" this is what led to my fear. my fear of THEY, the unknown. PLEASE schwarzey, please tell me who this THEY are so that i may sleep in pease...

Dear me,
THEY are the Father, Son and Holy Ghost. They see you when you are sleeping, they know when you're awake, they know if you've been bad or good so be good for goodness sake.

why is it that every time I sneeze my head flys back,and then flys foward? Why not foward then backward? Better yet why cant our heads just stay in one place when we sneeze? This is a verry difficult thing for me to handle. Please help!

Dear Natalie,
Your head flys back because your soul is trying to escape. It flys forward in an effort to keep your soul from escaping. If your head stayed in one place, then what would your soul do to keep itself entertained?

~moooooooooooooooo!~-ayh, yeah!!!! baaaaaaaa!-thats the spot, right there!mooooOOOOO!!!!!!!!! baaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!-harder! HARDER!!!!!

Dear ,
Yes, most people react that way after seeing a certain picture.

did i see a picture of kj kissing a guy?
-mind boggled in miami

Dear mind,
No, no you didn't. You saw a picture of KJ standing on her desk, having taken off all her clothes, and screaming something at the top of her lungs. But you were deeply traumatized, because you didn't want to see KJ without her cloths on, so you erased the memory, and replaced the image with one less offensive: KJ kissing a boy.

Schwarzey, i have no question. I wanted to tell you something. You do not belong to the family with which you currently reside. YOu are adopted. YOur brother, is Stephen Jones. No doubt people have pointed out the similarities, and I must tell you now. It was either this or bring you on the jenny jones show, and i stand by my decision.
-Your MOM!

Dear Your,
It doesn't really surprise me. The way Stephen and I used to fight on the Coaster made it obvious to anyone and everyone that one of three things was going on: (a.) we were secretly and hopelessly in love with eachother (b.) we were brother brother and sister (c.) we were brother and sister secretly and hopelessly in love with eacother.
Way to state the obsious, MOM!

Hey Schwarzey, You wanna have sex with me?
-Horny in hush puppies.

Dear Horny,
Yes, I do want to, but premarital sex is a sin, and I plan to be married to my one and only true love, Jesus.

help me. i spilled chocolate milk on my kitty-cat

Dear kelly,
Lick it up! QUICK!

where has ask schwarzey gone?
-Kelly Purple

Dear Kelly,
Uh, nowhere...really.

No, really. Where am I?

Dear Karl,
Wherever you go, there you are.


Dear ME.,
It's ok. Being the Eggman is alright, just so long as you are not a Golden God.

HELP ME!!!!!! my parents have kidnapped me and they won't let me see you guys anymore. i want to come back to you but they keep me in a pink prison surrounded by shitheads. they feed me useless knowledge and call it, "honors classes"... but i know better. these aren't honors classes. my pet monkey could take these classes! i am angry schwarzey and i need help. PLEASE, this is urgent!!!!! i need to come back or i'll die for sure. i can't go on in this prison!!!!!

Dear kelly,
Because I decided to take an unannounced 9 month long hiatus, I was not able to answer your question while it was still relevant.

Hi, I'm a girl and I like to see a lot of naked girls on the web. am i a wacko?

Dear Someone,
Yes, but not because you like to look at naked girls.

You are a fucking liar, and an ugly bitch from hell. Is it really possible to be that ugly, or atleast what is is like? Don't you get tired of wearing that mask? As you can see, i don't like you very much. Bye Bye.

Dear Dick,
Where does all this animosity come from? You're gonna make baby Jesus cry! Why don't you have anything better to do than make innocent saviors of the humanity cry? Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

god bless your little schwarzey heart.

Dear Kelly,
She already has.

why do you let michael molest you??? and what are with all those pen marks all over yor legs, arm, and hands? DO YOU THINK THEY LOOK ATTRACTIVE???? and why, in freshman year, did you say stephen jones was "a dork and a dork and a dork dork dork dork"????? why did you always cry in 8th grade when kevin and i would call you a fruit and then blame it on the chalkdust? why o why schwarzey!!! AND WHY DID YOU KILL DAVE?!!????? i need these questions answered so that i may sleep at night.
-u + me = us pasta = yum

Dear u,
I killed Dave because I knew it would make you turn to me for advice. I HAVE WON!

Kelly, Would you have sexual intercourse with me? I wouldn't let you... I just want to know your answer. If not with me then with my penis?
-Patty B.

Dear Patty B,
If you're just looking for a sex toy, look elsewhere, I'm saving myself for Jesus.

I AM A GOLDEN GOD!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear kat,
You also made baby Jesus cry.

scharzey, how come this is never changed?

Dear kat,
Because I'm too cool for you.

There is this little bastard kid whose name is quite similar to mine (it is just my name with a "hart" at the end). Every time they call his name, I start to stand up and i look quite foolish. I am also quite distressed that sometimes people call me this person's name because he is ugly and wears pooka shells and sounds like little ricky from I love lucy. He reminds me a more annoying Leanne Rimes but darker and dumber and less fun at parties. I can't stand this mixup any longer and am considering either disemboweling him with a soup spoon, or changing my name to randal or willam. I haven't decided which name because they both sound a little too british, so i am leading more toward the disembowelment. What should I do?
-Mike Burke

Dear Mike,
While some people would say that violence is wrong, that is the ONLY way to clear up this problem is by fighting him for the name. Or, in the words of that old song, "You gotta fight, for your right, to party." And by party, the author means "keep the name Mike Burke."

why won't my wart go away?

Dear krista,
Remember the old adage, "A watched wart never boils."

Hey who are you again? did i used to know you?
-Karl Balch

Dear Karl,
Who are YOU? Did I used to know YOU?

Does schwarzey answer these, or is it an automated machine that just lookes like her and has her mind and was built out of tissue from her stomach with the soul purpose of answering lame questions like these, programed to kill itself when it finds self identity, but more likely going to kill its creator? If so, you should give it another job... cuz there are never any new "Ask Schwarzey!" questions, and it must be bored. Oh, and another thing... since when are buttons aware of their own buttontude? Buttonness is inate to a button, but I think it is ridiculous to imply that this button actually knows it is a button... and to say that it can tell me of its own buttonship? ah forget about it.
-Patty B

Dear Patty,
No, this is really Schwarzey. This didn't start out as Schwarzey's deal, and then KJ took over while still speaking as though she were Our Dearest Schwarzey because Schwarzey didn't answer anything for 9 months while she was off in the Bahamas having baby (born out of wedlock!) and the fake Schwarzey you speak of was going to school for her. Nope, that sure didn't happen. This is 100% Schwarzey!

makin' love makes me nautious. should i keep cereal in my pocket?

Dear krista,
Yes! And watermellons!

My car makes this sputtering sound whenever I hit the brake and then whoever is in the passenger seat flies through the windshield, and is usually run over.  DO I need a new car?

Dear Skippy
No, I don't think that's a problem worth getting real worried about.

Does Schwartzy do this any more?

Dear Joe
Of course, I do! Can't a girl take a 9 months off without everyone wondering where she's gone?

Schwarzey, I'm dying. help me. i'm dying and it isn't too fun. please save me. dying isn't good. my dog says he has genital warts. life is short, life is shit and soon it will be over. please don't throw any more moth balls at me, daddy. they smell funny... like Joe's feet!
-oh dear

Dear oh,
We're all dying, in a sense. Every day is one less day we have left to live. I hope I was able to help cheer you up!

Are you ready? PS, Do you have enough Spam?

Dear God
Although you bring up two very important issues, there is a more important issue to be delt with, and that is your followers. They're out of control, and doing stupid things in your name. They need to be smited.

WHY, Dammit, Why?
-Names are not important

Dear names,
Because Bud said so.

Schwarzey, I find that no one wants to make out with puppies. NO ONE! oh no, Joe has genital warts
-oh dear

Dear oh,
I don't know what you're talking about, I LOVE to make out with puppies!
If Joe wants to avoid getting MORE venereal diseases, maybe he should think twice about having sex for money.


Dear ,
I'm right here. Maybe if you left a name or alias I'd be more able and willing to help you.

Are you a superfreak?
-Rick James

Dear Rick
The question is not if I am a superfreak or not, but are YOU?

If a sucidal maniac shoots himself in the head,Does it make a sound in the middle of the forrest?
PS DOes it matter?
PS Who am I?
PS Who is the mysterious Schwarzey?
PS Is peanut butter really butter?
PS Is god made of Velveta?
PS DOes it still matter?
PS Are you stupid?
PS Am I stupid?
PS Is swum a word? Swum swum swum swum That sounds wrong.
PS WHat is the square root of 19020920902139834765783?
PS Can't answere that can you?
PS IS there something wrong with me?
PS Chicago WHitesox fans suck!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear BOB,

* Due to excessive "HA"s, I had to take some off. Approximately "HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH" to be exact.

Dear Dr. Schwarzey,
I like this boy...a lot, but he doesn't know how I feel. I don't think he would understand if I told him. I think he likes me too. He's always smiling at me and we such fun together. But, he's two years old. And I just know his parents wouldn't approve of us. What should I do?
The Cream of Sumyungai

Dear Cream,
If you love him, and he loves you, that's all that matters. His parents will come around when they see that you are truly in love. That may take a while, but I'm sure that when you start a family, they will be anxious to see their grandchildren, and make amends.

dearest swarzie:
i don't care if kj answers. i feel i speak for many people. we don't care where the answers come from. we jus want answers to our hopelessly pressing questions.
the stupid bitch who will come rip your arms off and then proceed to beat you ass with them if you ddON'T ANSWER SOON!!!!!!
ps. kj, where's the shank crotch?

Dear stupid,
Well, KJ was tempted to take over, but she wasn't sure if she should speak as though she was KJ, or if she should speak through me. Obviously, she decided the second one.

Dear Schwarzey,
I have this uncontrollable obsession with Bob Dole and all of his family. It's not that I enjoy seeing all of them completely bare-ass naked, but I feel as though I need to see some of that hot juicy Dole Family nakedness. I mean, you should see this man's meat wistle. It's HUGE!!!!! sometimes I find myself thinking of him and them realize that I've been spanking my KIng Kong Jr. with my thumb up my but for the last 20 minutes. My ass hurts really, really bad! Help me stop.....or, come join me in one of my world-famous spank fests. It's a free one of a kind experience and your invited! this week's theme: BOB DOLE AND FRIENDS!!! Cum along! All ages are welcome. Bring a friend, or three friends.
-Breakfast Steve

Dear Breakfast,
Bob Dole is pretty sexy. I must admit that whenever I look at him my knees get weak and my panties get wet. You can be sure that I will cum along!

schwarzey, i have a problem with your socks. they have little wee bears with drums.
dammit, you know I HATE THAT SHIT!
yet you continue... you continue to wear christmas socks in march. i was so angry when i saw them at break, i couldn't even speak to you.
the anger has boiled and boiled, and now i just can't take it.
i'm fucking serious. if you don't, someone else might have to. if need be, someone might have to go to your house. someone might have to get those GODDAMN PIECE OF SHIT SOCKS AND KILL THEM!!!!!!!!!

Dear sock.,
Hey, wearing Christmas socks in March is cool. It's even cooler in April. I refuse to get rid of them.
Fucking the socks and getting rid of them are two totally different things. Maybe you should take a little time to calm down and decide what you really want before you go making demands?

Anyone want a big juicy Pork Chop?
-Meat Council

Dear Meat,
Well, since KJ (a "Crazy Vegan") isn't speaking for Schwarzey (a "Krazy Karnivore"), no.

why haven't you been answering my questions? Are you having a baby? do you need a man? I know one if thats the case. Did you loose all of your fingers and now you can't type. How's tom? Do you need me to write bigger? i don't know how, if that's the problem. are you... prejudice? gay? going postal? being raped as we speak? in need of an apple and one of those cool potato lights? Please write back or I might do something really BAD!!!!! or at least tell your mommy.
-Breakfast Steve

Dear Breakfast,
I have not been answering your questions because you smell funny.

WHO let the dogs out? I mean seriously, did someone really let them out?

Dear Al,
I'll be candid with you, because you strike me as a trustworthy sort of a fellow. Yes, Who let the dogs out. He didn't want to own up to it, because he was afraid he was gonna get in trouble or something, so don't pass this along.

dear schwarzey... i have a problem. i need some lovin. how does one aquire some lovin? isnt the way the lovin thing works is if you are forward enough you get it? ...not always the case. help me schwarzey...and if your advice doesnt work...will YOU be my love monkey?
-sexually depressed me

Dear sexually,
It would seem that one would go about obtaining lovin by being quite forward about it. This isn't the case though. The truth of the matter is that it's randomly assigned, like your locker. If lockers were REALLY in alphabetical order, why would Mike Burke be between Jon Cross and KJ Coop? It makes no sense! There is no way to increse your chances at getting lovin.
I would like nothing more than to be your love monkey

Schwarzey, why do you operate this little charade. HUUUUUUUUUHH. HA! can't answer that can you? Yes you have falling into my web of deceit, yes you are but a pawn in my twisted game of chess. I am the master and you are just an expendable character. And so my true question is, are you ready for the game? AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Dear Dickbreath, That's nice.

i have cuts on my hands and arms. not accidental. i put them there, and i know that it's probly not a good sign, but i'm not good at talking about it. if suicide is a cry for help, what's this?? a whimper in the dark?
-the ghost formerly known as no one.

well, i'm not sure who these people are or where they are but for some reason the chick with the red hair reminds me of Gwen Stefani. And i'm confused to say that i immediately was very attracted to her the second i saw this picture. it looks to me that they are at a restaurant getting ready to order a milk shake or something to that affect. i'm sure that this is what's taking place and i have no doubt in my mind that i am right and you are wrong!
-Breakfast Steve

Dear Breakfast,
I have no idea what picture you're talking about. You're making no sense.

dear schwarzey,
i have a serious problem. my addiction to spot conlin from newsies has turned into a hazard. i have recently signed up to a mailing list for spot conlin. foolishly i thought no one actually email me and that signing up would show my devotion to the now 25 year old child star. but now i get a minium of 27 emails a week from them. what should i do????? i dont want to seem undevoted to spot conlin, but i also want people from canada and arkansas to stop emailing me.these people even dress up like newsies!!! what if they come to get me??? help me
-a concerned janie

Dear a concerned,
You have great reason to be concerned. Newsies fans are typically the most aggressive of all fan clubs. Allegedly, they go to Star Trek and comic conventions and beating up Trekies and people dressed like their favorite superhero. This is defenately not the sort of crowd you want to get mixed up in, much less recieve 27 e-mails a week from. Dear Schwarzey recommends you unsubscribe. Spot Conlin will understand.

did kj eat schwarzey?

Dear burp
No, I didn't eat Schwarzey. Although I wouldn't be surprised if you found little Schwarzey bones in Breakfast Steve's poop.

Dear Shmwarzey,
I add "shm" at the beginning of too many words. I think it has to do with an orgasmic experience I had once with a desk, but I don't know how to stop saying "shm" and having orgasms. This problem actualy doesn't bother me too much, but I just thought you would have the best answer. Also, why was there only one normal looking dog at the Carlsbad street fair? Out of 20 dogs with gigangumongous heads, no tails, tiny bodies with shaking heads, no hair, there was only one normal black lab. WHY? Than one last question: What in the hell is with the spelly of Haagen-Dazs ice cream?!?! With the stupid double-A's with the 2 dots over them and the "zs" atthe end? I am forming a protest for it to be spelled the correct way: Hoggen Doz. Will you join me?
-hot fine china

Dear hot,
The "shm" thing doesn't really seem like a problem. Some people can't orgasm at all. You should be thankful you can do so at will.
The Hoggen Doz and funny dog questions are actually more related than you might imagine. Hoggen Doz, as I'm sure all you readers know, makes ice cream. I'm sure you know this because hot fine china mentioned it. But I just thought I should remind you. While traditionally ice cream is made out of things like ice and cream, Hoggen Doz is popular because they have a unique means of manufacturing their ice cream. The frequent the pound and animal shelters all over America, looking for the most normal looking dogs they can. They then adopt these dogs, under the pretenses of giving them a loving home. Then they freeze them, and turn them into ice cream! After a little research, I found that they had recently struck CARLSBAD! That's why you saw such a disproportionate number of funny looking dogs, because all the normal dogs had been taken by Hoggen Doz. They're not very secret about it either. It's even in their name. You seem, "dazs" is German for "dog" as "haagen" is german for "frozen"*.

I have been having feet problems lately. I find that my toes move all by themselves. Sometimes they look at me strangely. I swear, my toes are after me. Then I yell at them and people look at me funny. Whenever someone else looks, they stop their plotting. I think their plan is to take over my feet using foot-mind-control, then guide me off a cliff. I called the police and told them about this, and they are working hard to solve my problem. I now think that my toes might have allies because the other day the men in the white coats came to take me away. Now I sit in a room wearing a straight jacket staring at my toes. I swear they're after me. I swear.
Sullen in San Diego

Am i supposed to eat the liver or the onion first, and am I stupid asking you this question.

how-come i smell bad? momma said that if i stop playin' "Find the Poopies" it'll go away. well, i didn't! and i had to stop playin' my favorite game, so tell me!!! why won't it just go away. no more fingers up the butt, no more "Find the Poopies", no more "Caca Salad"... My life is practically worth nothing!!! Nothing!!! Aaaaahhhhhhggggghhhhh!!!!!!! I'm gonna do somethin' reeaalll bad!!!! Poopies+Cacas=Life aawww, shit!!! now i gotta crap....and that'll smell rreeaalll bad! Why?!?!?
Smelly-Ass Little Booger Eater

schwarzey!!!! i hate mosquitos!!! they eat me alive!! and the other day...they made my brain turn to mush so that i flunked my sat's!! now i cant go to college...and i wont get a job...and i wont get a husband because i will be a loser with no money...and then i will have to live on the streets and sing for my supper!! oh whatever shall i do!!! and its all cuz of those damn mosquitos!!!  
also~i have a problem with no kisses lately? Will lemon tea fix that? Thanks for your time...

i have a problem schwarzenegger:
i had this friend.. and she went to my school.. except she got this evil thing called a "diploma"... and now i dont see her ANY MORE!!! im so sad.. and i dont have her to look at and laugh or chuckle.. school will be so different without her!! o whatever shall i do? HELP ME!!!!
Editor's note: This person put in the name box "o dear", however they seem to have signed in "confusedly~" and I don't know which alias they wish to use. For this reason, it is up to you, dear Dear Schwarzey readers, to decide which you wish to identify him/her/it/them as, and do so.

hey!!! im a butten wate that was 4shit the 4 inch long invisable elephant pubic hair
hehe...4shit rules tty
-rabid gothic easter elf

my ass is numb
-rabid gothic easter elf

I don't really need advice right now, I was just wondering what happened to Stephen Jones? He just vanished it seems like, but people still talk about him like he still goes to [school]. Well, How does he still go to [school] if he is never at school? This boggles my mind!
I would prefer not to say

dear schwarzey,
my cat has problems with hairballs...i think it might be contagous. who do i do?

Hey beautiful baby...I am hornyrific! And so fucking money! Wanna end this achy feeling in my penis?
-manly man

Dear Schwarzey,
Sometimes I like to put mustard on my face. I get extremely embarassed by this. Sometimes I even do it in public. Everyone looks and laughs. It makes me sad, but I just can't quit doing it. Can you help me?
-chee wala wala

why do beoble always make fun of my name? i mean, at school, they made a song that mocks my full name!!! they all sarcasticly say that that they share the same name and it really hurts.
-john jacob jingle hymer schmitt

Dearest Schwarzey,
i miss you...
why do all these answers SEEM to be from you..but clearly they are not.
Hurrah for string cheese!! hurrah!!
-Anonymous Poop

As we all know, the end of the world is coming up rather quickly now. This causes great consternation among some people, great hope in others, and just plain old bafflement among the less intelligent of the population. I don't really have a question, I would just like to invite you to be saved, and that we are no longer the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints; we are now the United Chuch of Christ. Give us a call, and save your soul. Trust me, you'd miss it if it were gone.
-Moroni, the Mormon Angel

Need Advice?
Sure you do! And what better place to get it than a trusted friend like Schwarzey? And now, with this automated form, it's easier than ever for her to exploit your private turmoil for people all over the world to laugh at! No, wait! I mean sympathize with! Schwarzey and I wouldn't laugh at you...just fill out the form...