Frequently asked questions
Why have you started an FAQ?
Because it allows me to avoid doing all the things I should be doing right now. Besides, everybody else has an FAQ, I want to be cool like everybody else. Actually it gives me the ability to mock the dumb people who ask me the same stupid questions over and over again.
Is this really an FAQ or just questions you pulled out of your ass?
Some of each. It's pretty rare that I get e-mails from people I don't know about my web site, so most of these are questions people ask me face to face. I reserve the right to pull some out of my ass. I did so with this one and the above, of course.
Why do you write Satan all over your stuff?
I write Satan because of it's symbolism. It is the antithesis of the local status quo. I go to school with large groups of people who accept Christianity unquestioningly. Satan therefore represents the opposite of the unquestioning acceptance of dogma.
Why do your write "Satan loves you" all over your stuff?
See above, to some degree. "Satan loves you" is a take off on the ever popular "Jesus loves you". It's attempting to mock the use of such cliches, especially around little kids.
Do you like Marilyn Manson?
I don't really listen to Marilyn Manson just because I haven't been exposed to him that much. But I don't have anything against his music or his message. I always find it amusing that Marilyn Manson has become a staple of nonconformity. If you're not just like everybody else, you're just like Marilyn Manson.
Do you worship the devil?
What's your problem?
Don't you believe in Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior?
Nope. I'm an athiest.
But don't you think believing in God is a lot easier than being an athiest? Don't you feel hopeless and alone without someone out there who always loves you no matter what?
I love this question. I always get it, and it's such a stupid question I always wish to laugh so hard I pee in my pants. Religion (in this instance religion is defined as any belief pertaining to god) should have nothing to do with what is comfortable, and everything to do with ones own perception of the truth. I always hate it when people are like "Well, it's more comfortable, so it must be true. Who cares if it's illogical?". People are dumb.
Don't you know you're going to hell? Don't you care?
I don't believe in hell. But I realize that in your eyes I'm going to hell, and no, I don't really care.
How can you think the church is corrupt?
Actually I only got this question once, but I found it amusing enough to repeat. The answer: easily. Very easily.
Why do you have a picture of grass on your box?
Because it's a cool picture. It annoys the hell out of me when people ask me this, I'm not sure why. It's always just sort of like "Why the hell shouldn't I have a picture of grass on my box? Are you a moron?"
Does your mom know your like this?
Why's your skirt so long?
I've got a lot of answers for this one. My favorite is "It's not long, what are you talking about?" but that's difficult to pull off with a straight face. Another good one is "Why's yours so short?" this is especially funny if the person isn't wearing a skirt. But they usually are, and will say something like "Mine's not short, what are you talking about?". Well, I can see your genitals, I'd call that short. I dunno, maybe I'm just a prude.
How much time did it take you to make your web site?
I hate it when people ask me this, because it's based on the assumption that I just sat down one day and made it, now it's done and I'm never going to touch it again. There's an updates page, so odviously that's not the case. It also implies that I sit here with a stop watch, and tally up the days work. Which is bull. I don't know how much I've spent on this web site. Not a whole hell of a lot lately. But I've had it for well over a year. I like to spend as much spare time as I have working on it, but I don't have much. Also, you know, lazy. I spent like a weeks straight over christmas break 1999 working on it, it was extremely cool.
Do you hate people?
Are you planning to do something like thoes kids in Colombine did?
Not at the moment. Like I'd tell you anyway.
Do you worship the devil?
Athieism excludes a belief in the devil. I realize I put this question in twice. This is because people will ask me this, then they'll ask some other dumb questions, then they'll ask me again if I worship the devil. Morons.
Why don't you eat animals?
Because I believe that animals have the capacity to suffer, and I don't want to cause suffering. For more information, there are several web pages I could reccomend, one of which is Vegan.com
Why don't you eat cheese? Cheese doesn't have any animals in it.
Cheese is a product of the same industry. It's obtained by raping cows, which I would say constitutes suffering. Again, there are a shitload of good web sites I could refer you to, such as Vegan Outreach
What about sugar?
Most sugar is refined through bone char, which comes from animal bones. Eating processed sugar or foods that contain sugar endoreses the murder of animals. This time I'm going to refer you to Vegan Action.
You're never gonna make a difference
But don't you miss meat?
It's not about not liking or wanting to eat meat, it's about not endorising cruelty.
Why don't you shave your legs/wear makeup?
They're both such fucking wastes of time. I see no reason to do either.
I often arrive home and have the strangest notion that my house has done something wrong while I was gone. Why does this happen?
Due to the sheer volume of letters I recieve, I cannot answer all your questions individually. For this reason, Kelly Brown and I got together to create an easy to use quiz to determine the character of the house you live in. A must for all those thinking of buying a house.
What ever happened to Dear Schwarzey?
Yes, in theory. But in practice Schwarzey hasn't answered it in about a million and a half years, but she insists she will someday. I'm getting more and more tempted to just pose as Schwarzey and answer them myself. But you can still write to her and stuff.